The Truth About Insecurity

Well, I thought wryly, as I scrutinized the reflection blinking back at me in the mirror. At least God didn't give me an opportunity to be vain. The features of my face assaulted my eyes painfully. It was all wrong. My hair. My nose. Yes, especially my nose. Oh, was there anything good in that image? Well, Lord, as I was saying... at least I'll never be capable of vanity, like beautiful girls are. That's a blessing. I suppose. Risking another glance in the mirror, I winced. Riiight.

I'm not eloquent. I'm not skilled at communication. I'm a dunce at math. I'm always sticking my foot in my mouth. I'm... it would go on and on.

A few years ago, I was the classic case of insecurity.

It wasn't as though I didn’t receive compliments and encouragement. But while the praise always conjured up a fleeting feeling of pleasure, it was as if every compliment would inevitably smack an invisible brick wall: They were just being nice. They didn't really mean it.

My situation was anything but unique; we all know that "low self-esteem" is rampant, especially among young people. And yet, in spite of all the attention that the subject receives, the real issue is almost always skirted.

Psychologists would have said that my root problem was a battered self-image, and quickly prescribed a system of positive thinking as the antidote. It wouldn't have worked, because the diagnosis would have been dead wrong.

The issue wasn't that I needed more positive support from friends and family. I can't blame the culture, either; my problem wasn't caused by the airbrushed models I compared myself with constantly.

When a man with a brain tumor complains that his head hurts, his doctor doesn’t hand him an aspirin, grin, and cheerfully announce that "it’s all better". The same principle applies here: the cause must be treated for healing to occur, and low self-esteem is nothing but a symptom. All my insecurity was merely the tell-tale sign of a much deeper issue.

First things first

Let's play a definition game. I'll give you a word, and you'll rack your brain for the traits that give away it’s presence. Ready, set, go...

Pride. Quick, what are your very first associations with that word? What traits, thoughts, and actions go along with it? Mull it over for a moment before reading on.

Perhaps, as I usually do, you thought of a cocky "I'm all that and more" attitude. You know—the people who carry their noses in the air, and act like they're a notch above the rest of us. So, I reasoned, if I don't struggle with arrogance—if I'm not a nose-in-the-air kind of person—then I can give myself a high five! I'm off the hook!

Ah, no. Not exactly.

Arrogance is certainly the most visible manifestation of pride, but I made the mistake of overlooking it's subtler manifestations in my concentration on the obvious. Although we may not usually place self-deprecation and insecurity in the same category alongside vanity and arrogance, in many cases, they belong there just the same.

Sounds contradictory, doesn't it? It's easy to acknowledge that a girl who flaunts her drop-dead-gorgeous looks has a problem in the area of pride, but am I really saying that a girl who thinks she's completely unattractive and untalented may struggle with the very same issue? For me, the answer was an emphatic yes.

Artfully disguised under a false veneer of humility, this form of pride is often difficult to detect. And yet, once I stopped to prayerfully examine my heart, it immediately became plain that my "humility" wasn't the real deal. How? My thoughts were completely absorbed in myself. Did you notice, in my list of complaints about myself, the predominant occurrence of the words "I'm" and "my"? True humility does precisely the opposite: it forgets itself.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis wrote something that glued itself to my mind. (Lewis has a knack at doing that.) He said:

"A really humble man...won't be a sort of person...who's always telling you that, of course, he's nobody. Probably all you'll think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him, it will be because you feel a bit envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He won't be thinking about himself at all. There I must stop. If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realize that one is proud. And a biggish step, too. At least, nothing whatever can be done before it. If you think you're not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed."

Both arrogance and insecurity share a common denominator, and that denominator is self-absorption. Isn't that what pride is, after all—setting ourselves up on the throne that only God deserves? Whenever I'm worried about my appearance and natural abilities, isn’t it always because I crave admiration? If I’m honest, wasn't that the real reason why I cared so deeply about what other people thought of me? Fretting is a dead give-away that my thoughts are turned inward, and inward thoughts are a dead give-away that I’m proud.

The Only Solution

If pride is the underpinning ailment, the gospel is the only cure for it. Pride is forced to wither in the shadow of the cross. If my focus is on Christ—if my soul is riveted by the beauty of His sacrifice, His love, and His unmerited forgiveness—a fixation on how others perceive me is not even a viable option. It is impossible to be absorbed by both ourselves and our Savior at the same time; it must wholly one, or wholly the other.

Our Maker formed us, lovingly and tenderly, so that He might be admired. Whether or not anyone admires us is frankly insignificant; we were created to reflect the glory and beauty of Christ to those around us, not the glory and beauty of Me.

With our eyes on Christ, the whole view changes. In a self-absorbed perspective, the opinions of other people are paramount. From a Christ-centered perspective, the accolades and disdain of others matter little, because His approval makes man’s look like dust. In a self-absorbed perspective, our value is based off of appearance and performance. But when our lives are marked by a deepening understanding of the gospel—when we are transformed every day anew by the truth that “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8)—we will be moved to humble rejoicing, knowing that our worth is found in the Father's unmerited, boundless love.

The gospel doesn’t offer us a boost of self-esteem, because a boost of self-esteem isn’t what we need. Instead, it corrects our deepest problem with something infinitely richer and more satisfying: an offer to esteem our Maker first.

A Parable from Spurgeon

I ran across this story once told by Spurgeon. This can be applied to so much:

The story is told of a king who went into his garden one morning and found everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The old oak replied that he was sick of life and was determined to die, because he was not tall and beautiful like the pine. The pine was all out of heart because it could not bear grapes like the vine. The vine was going to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and have as fine fruit as the peach tree; and so on through the garden.

Coming to a little purple violet, the king found its bright face lifted as cheery as ever. 'Well, violet, I'm glad amidst all this discouragement to find one brave little flower. You do not seem to be the least disheartened.'

'No. I'm really not an important flower, but I believe that if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or a lilac, you would have planted one; but since I know you wanted a violet, I am determined to be the best violet I can be.'

They who are God's without reserve are in every situation content, for they will do only what He wills and desire to do for Him whatever He desires them to do and be. They strip themselves of everything and in this nakedness find all things restored one hundred fold.

-Charles Spurgeon

An Addendum

By Hannah and Lindsey

The late missionary to Africa, Paris Reidhead, once told the story of a man who held thousands of slaves captive on an island in the Atlantic. The man declared that no preacher would ever approach his slaves with the Gospel. Never would he allow such "Christian nonsense" on his island.

Upon hearing of this, two young men were disturbed. The idea of thousands of people forced to remain on an island all their lives, with no hope of ever hearing the Gospel was enough to stir them to action. Yet what these men chose to do was unique.

They didn't stockpile ammunition for a shoot 'em up raid of the island. They didn't bomb the slaveowner's home. In fact, their course of action required more strength of purpose and sacrifice than that.

What did the men do? They sold themselves. If only slaves were allowed on the island, then slaves they would become. Although the men were only in their twenties, and seemed to have their entire lives ahead of them, they abandoned themselves to the cause of the Gospel.

When at last the men stood aboard the ship that would carry them to slavery, waving goodbye to loved ones on shore, one shouted the last words his family would ever hear from the two men: 'May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!'

The focus of these two men is notable. It certainly wasn't on themselves; this was no mad strategy to gain recognition. Their focus wasn't even on the slaves they would evangelize, although clearly the men cared for the people's fate. No, the primary motive of the two men was glorifying God, no matter the cost.

With the same mindset, Paul wrote to the Philippians: "...It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death." (Philippians 1:20)

Sadly, honoring Christ is often a peripheral goal. I talk about "glorifying God" all the time, but if I'm honest, that phrase is often silently twined with an image of someone else's glory. Mine.

But what if... what if I went out and accomplished great things for God, and the only words that fell from people's mouths were words revering, adoring, and worshipping my Father? He ought to be worshipped, of course, but what if I received no part in the recognition whatsoever-- not even a tiny sliver of praise? What if I was invisible-- if the only Person honored by "my" achievements was the One who I claimed to be serving, not the servant?

I need to ask myself: Would I still care? Would I still be motivated to make a difference? And not only motivated, but passionately, obsessively determined? Would a single-hearted desire for His glory, and His alone, be enough to stir me to action? My answers reveal the impurity of my heart. Secretly, I want a little piece of the cake, too.

I recently read a quote from Thomas Brookes (HT: GirlTalk ) about this human-centered mindset:

“Christ has done great things for His people, and He has suffered great things for His people, and He has purchased great things for His people, and He has prepared great things for His people; yet many of His own dear people are so taken up with their own hearts, and with their own duties and graces, that Christ is little eyed by them or minded by them! This is the great reason why so many Christians, who will certainly go to heaven—do walk in darkness, and lie down in sorrow.”

How can I serve God, and still 'lie down in sorrow'? How can I work constantly and still be without joy? Perhaps because my service isn't really for God after all, and all of my greatest efforts, no matter how successful, are completely fruitless apart from the goal of returning God with every inch of the spotlight.

And yet, it isn't enough to check my motives. I must repent, and ask God to re-align them. Because at the end of the day, God doesn't just want my service; He wants my life. And more than a life spent going through the motions of obedience without real conviction, He wants my love.

Above all, the challenge to myself is to live well, so that my dying breath will mirror His will for me: "'May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!' And may I belong to You, completely."

Part One//Part Two//Questions To Consider//An Addendum

Challenging Questions

Lindsey and I realize that the challenge we've been discussing--of translating our beliefs into action--is easy to forget. So in order to help in this area, we've formed a list of questions. They're really questions for the heart, and they are meant to be considered prayerfully. We hope they're helpful for you as well.

• Do you act out of obedience to Christ and a passion for His glory--or your own?
• How do you spend your time?
• How much of your time per day is spent chatting with friends (online, on the phone or in person)?
• How much of your time per day is spent daily in conversation with family members?
• How much of your time is spent daily speaking to God?
• How often do you meditate on the Cross? (Once a day? Once a week? Once a year?)
• Do you set time aside every day for prayer and Bible study?
• Do you try to faithfully obey God in public and at home?
• Do you ask God for the grace to help you obey consistently?
• What people, books, movies, etc. influence you the most?
• Do you read books, watch movies, or listen to music that does not encourage your walk with Christ? Do you think this is wise?
• Are your friends fellow Christians who are seeking after godliness? Or do they encourage you in gossip and ungodly thoughts?
• If so, do you also join in that gossip and allow those thoughts to dominate your mind?
• What are your main spheres of influence?
• What steps could you take to become a stronger influence of a Christ-like attitude to friends, siblings, neighbors, relatives, etc.?
• Do you actively serve in your community?
• When making decisions, do you consider how they affect others?
  

Do you have any more questions to add?

Part One//Part Two//Questions To Consider//An Addendum

The Challenge: Building Forts with Ribbons

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
- James 2:17 (NIV)

When I was about seven years old, my friend Marie and I developed the brilliant plan of building a fort in our backyard. While Mom didn't say "no", she did caution us against placing our hopes too high. It was unrealistic that two little girls could build a fort (that was safe, at least).

As if the odds against us weren't immense enough already, Marie and I were also banned from using hammers and nails without adult supervision. (Thank you, Mom. That was a good rule.) A bit desperate, we finally found the materials for our fort: sticks from around the yard, and ribbon (yes, the kind used for bows on birthday presents.)

Did Marie and I succeed? With pathetic resources and even less experience, our prospects were dim. But in the end, the results weren't too shabby. Our finished product was a shelter that could fit two small people in a crouching position.

While it wasn't exactly Ft. Knox, the "fort" lasted two years until my dad eventually tore it down in order mow the grass growing inside of it. (If you're still not impressed, remember that we built the fort with ribbons. And it lasted two years. Yes, I'm still proud of it.)

Many current endeavors could easily be compared to my fort. When looking at our resources, it seems impossible to make even a dent into the mindsets of others. In the face of our culture, how do we expect our actions to carry weight? Isn't that a bit presumptuous? But if we think instead in terms of the individual, it all makes more sense.

Change starts in renewing our minds daily in Scripture. Change happens when we help our little brothers and sisters understand the Gospel. Change happens when we choose to put Christ on the throne of our lives, tossing out all that stands in the way of His being total Master of our hearts.

Whether or not our choices influence Hollywood is nonessential. What is vital, however, is to convince ourselves and those God placed around us, to derive their joy from Christ, not from Hollywood. "Changing the world" really means changing the world for individuals--helping a single person understand truth. We are called to love people, plain and simple. And if one person comes to see the beauty and glory of Christ more clearly through us, then all the effort is worthwhile.

So what is the challenge exactly? As I said before, it is almost embarrassingly simple; it is a challenge to change the mindsets and hearts of those around us, by first changing ourselves. While it's easy to read and write about inner beauty, the challenge is to apply this to real life. Much, much harder.

But it's comforting here to note that the change doesn't actually come from us. We're not working by ourselves. God is the initiator of everything, and there's no possible way to be faithful to this challenge without His constant grace. (Ephesians 3:2o) I like what Gary Haugen wrote:

"...there are those moments when we sense the call to goodness.... Indeed, it is the very reason for the journey and for our very being. We were created for good works, prepared beforehand... But drawing near the field, the clouds seem dark and the shadows long, and the challenge enormous. We doubt the joy and fear the risks. But wanting the good thing done, we ask, 'Where is God?' We may even turn to Him and say, 'You do it!' And lovingly our Father turns and beckons. 'Come, I'll give you a boost in the saddle. We shall ride together.' ...We have a ride, with work and glory before us--a worthy struggle to engage alongside our Lord. A struggle for which we were made."

(Terrify No More. Italics mine.)

With God's help, transformation doesn't begin with boycotts or ad campaigns. It begins with people who care so much about building forts that they'll use whatever they have, even if it's ribbons and a pile of sticks, to get the job done. Action bears fruit when people faithfully stay at the task until results happen. The challenge is not to change the world. The challenge is to act in obedience to the Savior, spreading the amazing truth He has entrusted to us, each and every day of our lives.

Who's with me?

Part One//Part Two//Questions To Consider//An Addendum

Keep An Eye Open...

Rumor has it that Regenerate Our Culture is coming back this spring. (Actually, I'm not gossiping. The website really does say that.) Be sure to keep an eye on their site for updates.

Don't Read This Post (If You Don't Want To Change)

I have an idea. It's not new or inventive, and it's only slightly radical; but I don't want to ever forget it.

Simply put, my idea is this:

Instead of just complaining about the problems of the "beauty standards" and entertainment industry, let's change it. Instead of looking to celebrities, fashion magazines, movies, music, media, cliques and peers to define ourselves, let's look somewhere else. Are you sick of watching the women and girls around you, hurting for truth? Breaking hearts from impurity? Suffering from chasing after the wrong kind of beauty? Do something about it.

Surrounded by friends and family who are interested in following Christ, I know I quickly become desensitized to the blessings of God. With a Bible by my bed, always there waiting to be opened, I can take truth for granted. (Do you remember how desperate you were without Christ's guidance? Do you recall how confused you felt?)

Others don't have that luxury. Some can't remember that moment the truth suddenly dawned on them, opening up their hearts to a breeze of joy--because it's never happened to them before. The truth hasn't hit home. Some young women do not realize that God has already spoken the answers to their questions about life and living.

In a world where we are assaulted by lies, someone needs to speak up.

The Change Starts...Now

Enough complaints have been made of the problems, and we've discussed the truth at length. We know the solution is Christ. Now's the time to put the solution on banners and run through the streets like raving lunatics on a mission. If we're genuinely passionate for the truth, why not? Now's the time to step out of our way to pray with that anxious friend; encourage the classmate suffering from depression; set a silent, godly example to the flirtatious junior higher next door. It's not exactly running with banners, but it is being faithful to Christ in small things.

Part One//Part Two//Questions to Consider//An Addendum