Back to School Blues?

A reader wrote....

What do you think about careers for women? Should a girl even be considering college or a job, or should she just stay at home? And if a career is all right, how far is too far from her dad's protection? Should she still live with him, or is it okay to move out? I'm pretty mixed up about this, because my parents seem to be just fine with me going to college someday (at least one nearby), but I'm reading So Much More by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin, and they seem to believe that it isn't good for a girl to be away from her father's covering like that. I just want to know what your opinion is. Thanks!

To be honest, when we read your email we were rather intimidated. The questions you addressed are very difficult to answer. So Much More and the Botkin sisters are very well respected in the conservative Christian community and we would not wish to assail them in any way. (They are, after all, our sisters in Christ.)

After discussing this with our parents, we decided that although we aren't qualified to answer your questions with our own opinions, but we can only humbly point to Scripture. In everything pertaining to life and godliness, God's Word holds the key. Yet in some matters where the Bible does not speak clearly, we must follow personal convictions. This is true regarding whether or not a girl must stay under her father's roof until marriage.

Some literature and voices in the Christian community are dogmatic that remaining under the roof of her father is essential for all godly young women. However, there is no hard and fast rule in the Bible that declares this to be true. We do know that a girl can leave her father's roof for a time, as Mary did in her visit to Elizabeth and Zachariah (Luke 1:39-40). But no clear Biblical precedent is set on this issue.

On the other hand, in the area of whether or not women should work outside the home, we do believe a Biblical pattern has been made. Titus 2 clearly states that women should be keepers at home, while in Proverbs 31, the "wife of excellence" is busily at work. What few realize is these two roles are not mutually exclusive; there is no rule concerning how many hours a woman must remain in the home before she becomes a "keeper at home." A woman does not need to be at home 24/7 to obey Titus 2. In fact, the Proverbs 31 woman seems to indicate that it is permissible for women to work, at least part-time, outside the home. In light of Proverbs 31, should we then become career women?

When we think of a "career woman," we think of someone whose chief goal is to climb the corporate ladder. She leaves her family in the morning and doesn't return until night in the hopes of receiving a promotion or achieving some personal goal. But when looking at the Proverbs 31-type working woman, we get an entirely different picture. It is not that her profession is any different from the career woman, but her motivation is. Her motivation is to help her household by supplementing her husband's income. She loves the home so much, she sacrifices time and effort for its benefit.

"She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant. " (Proverbs 31:24)

"She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard." (Proverbs 31:16)

Higher education for women is not sinful. A woman can attend college and be living in accordance with God's will or she can attend college and be living in disobedience. It's not the degree itself that can be sinful; it's the heart behind it. If college attendance is clearly outside God's will for you, then it would be wrong to disobey and attend anyway. But if you are led to attend college and your parents consent, then no Bible verses indicate that this would be wrong.

One common argument for women and higher education is the question: "What if your husband dies? How will you provide for your family?" Supposedly, a college degree is like a safety belt. It's nice to have "just in case." But this perspective reveals a poor view of the sovereignty of God, and is the wrong motivation for a college degree. If you were ever to be faced with widowhood without having attended college, of one thing you could be certain: God would never leave you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:5). Although it may be easier to depend on one's own abilities by getting a "just in case" degree, as Christians we are supposed to trust in God Himself to guide our footsteps. (In light of the fact that He knows all, how can we not trust Him?)

The Bible does say that we are to honor our father and mother. If you are wondering whether or not you should leave the home, ask your parents! Endeavor to honor them in this area. If your father says to stay home, then stay home! If your father says you can leave, then follow the Lord's leading.

We hope that God will grant you wisdom in this area, so you'll know what path to pursue.

God bless!
In Christ,
Hannah, Kristin and Lindsey

(Don't) Save Me

Dear Beauty from the Heart,

I was wondering, what is your perspective is on chivalry? The reason I ask is, at the beginning of the year I began courting a young man, with the expectation that we would discover whether or not God intended for us to become more than friends. Along the way, I discovered that I was very highly irritated by his 'gentlemanly behavior'. He would go very much out of his way to open doors for me, take something out of my hands if I were carrying it, and pull out seats for me. It sounds like a dream, doesn't it? But he became offended if I offered to carry anything for him, or open a door before he got there first. I was very confused, because my personality loves helping others and my one strength (among a myriad of weaknesses) is putting others before myself. I began to feel disrespected, as if my offers of courtesy were not valid or proper. At times, I felt as though I were his property, and by offering my services I was robbing him of some right. For many other reasons, chiefly God showing us that we were both too immature (spiritually, for me) to be considering serious relationships, our courtship was ended at the beginning of summer, but the issue has continued to plague me. What is the Biblical basis for chivalry? Is it acceptable for women to open doors for themselves, or offer to carry something if a man's hands are full? Am I being rebellious in some way by wanting to open doors when I arrive at them, instead of waiting for a man who may be a step behind me?

Sincerely,

"A Damsel in Distress"

Dear Damsel,

It's good to hear from you! You have asked several interesting questions. I've consulted my parents and God's Word and we're going to try to answer you to the best of our ability. However, if you have not already done so, I would encourage you to discuss this with your parents. They are the people God has given to guide you, and I'm sure they are more than willing to give advice.

It's true. Modern knights in shining armor have it tough these days. The damsels in distress who in medieval times would clasp their hands and shriek "Save me!" now proclaim "I can do it myself!" Is this wrong? After all, the word "chivalry" never appears in the Bible. In fact, from what I can find, the word first appeared in about 1300 AD in medieval France. But does this mean that chivalry is unbiblical?

Perhaps….but let's take a closer look.

When you hear the word "chivalry" what comes to mind? For me, I think of a man opening the door or giving up his chair for a lady. Are these acts of kindness just that—simple acts of kindness that should be offered by both sexes? Should men treat women with such differential respect for merely being women?

According to 1 Peter 3:7, women are to be treated differently by their husbands. It says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel..." What does the term "weaker vessel" mean? I posted once an analogy I heard on this subject:

A pastor once explained in his sermon the differences between men and women, and what it meant to be a "weaker vessel." He showed to the congregation two pitchers. One was a plastic water pitcher. He explained: "Men are like this pitcher. It is strong, heavy-duty and designed for a unique purpose." Then, the pastor revealed a delicate, porcelain teapot to the congregation. "Women," he said as he gently upheld the fragile pitcher, "are like this teapot. It too is made for a unique purpose...but it is the weaker vessel. If I dropped it, it would shatter. If I dropped the plastic pitcher, it would not shatter. But the value of the teapot is not diminished by its delicateness. We treasure and protect teapots."

Although 1 Peter 3:7 is directed to husbands, this verse does recognize the differences between the sexes and that they should be respected, not ignored. We can see other instances in Scripture which women have been treasured and treated with deference, such as in the Song of Solomon, where a group of brothers announce that they will protect their little sister:

"If she is a wall,

we will build towers of silver on her.

If she is a door,

we will enclose her with panels of cedar."

(Song of Solomon 8:9)

You see, chivalry is really a mindset. It's about embracing the role that God has given men: to serve and protect women. It stems from an attitude in the heart that wants to honor God, by putting the needs and comforts of women above their own.

Does this mean that chivalry is limited only to men? Well, yes-- and no. The word “chivalry” is used only regarding the way a man treats a lady. But Bible is clear that we are all to be servants of one another (1 Peter 4:10, Matthew 20:26-28). It is certainly not wrong for you to desire to serve others by putting their needs before your own, even when this involves offering to carry something for someone else. In fact, it's wonderful that God has given you such a meek, serving spirit!

Nonetheless, there are many opportunities for you to serve that are unique to girls. For instance, if I am cooking dinner, I am not insulted by my brother's lack of chivalry if he does not offer to help cook. Cooking is not his strong point. (Actually, it is not mine either, but I am the person training to be a keeper of the home, and he is not!) He is perfectly capable of learning to cook, but as a girl training to be a wife and mother, I want to serve him in this way! Even chivalrous guys must need help from time to time, and should be humble enough to appreciate your willing aid.

Just the same, there needs to be humility on both sides. In order for men to be chivalrous, damsels must be willing to accept and support their actions. I know that it is sometimes difficult to make a conscious effort to allow guys to do things. At times in the past, I have insisted on carrying a heavy table myself when guys have offered to do it for me. I can handle carrying tables (most of the time) but I must step back and allow the guy to express his respect for my femininity by doing the work himself.

Thank you for writing, Damsel. I hope this helps!

God bless!

Sincerely,
Hannah (for Kristin, Lindsey and Stephanie)

P.S. If you would like to investigate this topic more in-depth, I recommend checking out these posts on chivalry.

"The Modern Day Gentleman" (Part One of a five post series)
"Chivalry in a Modern World"

Confused and In Love

We interrupt regularly scheduled posting to bring you this important message!

We recently received an e-mail (via Agent Tim) with questions regarding dating/courtship. We don't profess to have all the answers (there are many people from whom it would be better to ask advice), but we do think that this e-mail contains questions which many of us have. We've done our best to answer them Biblically, and we're interested in your input as well.

Here's the note:

Hi,

I recently started “courting/dating” a guy. I am 99.999% positive he in “the one”….I don’t want to compromise on my standards as far as a physical relationship goes (ex: I want our first kiss to be on our wedding day- or at least when we get engaged) but my parents don’t want us to even touch each other at all till out wedding day… I think holding hands would be ok, and so does my boyfriend… any suggestions on what to do without disrespecting my parents [sic] rules?

Also… how can I let him know how I feel about him without being too forward or assumptuious or scaring him off? I want him to have to pursues me, not have it like I am chasing him…

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

~Confused and in love

Dear Confused,

We’re glad to see that you are trying to find the right answer to your question! Our hearts go out to you, because we don’t want you to be confused any more! We have attempted to reply your letter Biblically, and also with the advice of our parents.

There are many nuances in your question which we would like to address:

Firstly, Colossians 3:20 says “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Ephesians 6:2 says, "Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the land…" Notice it doesn't say, "Honor your father and mother when you feel like it.” Whether or not your parent’s standards are different than your own, you must obey them. If your parents say that holding hands is wrong, then you must abide by their personal conviction.

Until your wedding day, you are still under the authority of your father. Unless his commands go directly against the commands God has given in the Bible, you must obey. And what is the result of obedience? "Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the land..." You will be blessed!

The second question you brought up was how to “let him know” your feelings without being forward. Now, you mentioned earlier that you are in a dating/courting relationship. Is the purpose of this relationship finding whether it would be wise for you to be married? Are you praying and seeking God’s will for the future of this relationship, with the intention and result of this relation being marriage? If this is the case, you should not need to share your feelings for him. The fact that you are interested in him as a future marriage partner should be obvious, since that is why you are dating!

If the guy you are dating has not stated up-front whether his intentions are marriage, you should definitely discuss this with him. Ask him, “Why are we dating? What is the point?” If he responds that he “isn’t sure,” then you must realize that you are very possibly dating another woman’s husband-to-be.

You mentioned that you are 99.999% positive that he is “the one.” If he is the one God has chosen for you, then fear of “losing him” should never motivate any of your actions. If God has chosen him for you, then God’s plan will work out in His timing.

However, we would encourage you not to give your heart to him until you are married. Song of Solomon 2:7 pleads with us, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” If God has called you to marriage, He has a beautiful, perfect plan for your love story. Love Him first, withholding your heart from any man until your wedding day, and He, who Himself is love (1 John 4:8) can guide your footsteps in through this season of your life. Trust and obedience is all that is required.

God has given you two very key resources to aid you:

First and foremost, there is nothing more important for you to read than God’s Word. Let Him give you guidance and wisdom for this time.

Also, your parents are absolutely invaluable! From your letter, it seems that they do care about how you spend your courting days. Ask their advice! Sit down with them and pour out your heart! Your parents love you, and are the people that God designed to help guide you. Do not be afraid to share your concerns with them.

We appreciate your letter! May God bless you and give you guidance! You are in our prayers.

In Christ,

The Beauty from the Heart Contributors

If the topic of this post was something that stirred your heart, or is something that you have been contemplating lately, we recommend also reading the following:
Click here, here and here.